Should I Cook for My Teens or Should They Cook for Themselves?

Your Teen Needs Life Skills (and Feeding Themselves is a Big One)

We all know that eventually, your teen will need to fend for themselves. Whether they’re heading off to college, getting a job, or just taking on more responsibility around the house, feeding themselves is one of those basic life skills they have to learn. 

Please note that I said learning to FEED themselves - not necessarily to cook for themselves! This is one area that I feel like we sometimes stay a little stuck in the past. We feel like our kids need to learn how to be chefs before they can go off to college - which really isn’t true.

I am a big believer that fed is best…even into teenage and adult years. There are a lot of different ways to make sure your teen knows how to feed themselves, and those are the important lessons to impart while they’re still under your roof!

Cooking might be part of that, but as a licensed therapist who works with teens and their parents, I think we need to take a step back and remember what the goal is: happiness and health. That can come in a lot of different forms.



So let’s help our teens develop some independent living skills through food while they’re still living with you. They have a low-stakes environment perfect for learning!

It’s Not About Making Them Self-Sufficient Overnight

No one’s saying your teen should suddenly become a gourmet chef and cook dinner for the whole family every night. But if they’re inching closer to adulthood and still can’t procure food for themselves, then it’s time to step up the food-focus. Like I said before - this can look like cooking a simple meal for themselves, being able to sign up for a meal delivery service, or understanding the pros and cons of eating out for every meal. 

Parents: it's important to remember that just like how we don't go to Blockbuster anymore, or watch basic cable now that we have streaming services...how we get food has changed since we were teens as well. Make sure you're helping them with up-to-date skills, not staying stuck in your past!

I personally love to cook - special occasion food. Feeding myself and my family every day can get boring. But having the skills to prepare a favorite food, treat my family, or have friends over to celebrate is definitely a confidence booster. If you can approach cooking as a gift that can keep on giving, your teen might have more success than if it feels like a dire, pressure-filled life or death situation.

Why Cooking for Themselves Builds Confidence

Cooking is more than just a practical skill—it’s also a confidence booster.

There’s something empowering about knowing you can create a meal from scratch, even if it’s something simple. It gives teens a sense of control, and let’s face it, teenagers need to feel some control over their lives during this chaotic stage.

When they successfully make a meal, they see the immediate result of their efforts, which is way more satisfying than most things they do (like schoolwork or chores that never seem to end). This sense of accomplishment can help build their self-esteem, which is crucial for their overall mental health.

When I’m working with adults (or teens) on accomplishing big goals, I often use cooking a favorite meal as a metaphor. What’s the goal? Let’s say it’s to cook a birthday dinner for your best friend. Okay, now what are the steps we need to accomplish that? What are the tasks we need to do, and what is the timeline for those tasks? Who do we need to ask for help? What resources will we be calling on? What skills do we need to learn? It’s such a great way to visualize accomplishing something you aspire to.

It doesn’t need to just be a metaphor - choosing a favorite meal to replicate, or cooking for some sort of celebration can be downright joyful.

I hope that you are able to impart that sort of enjoyment to this task. If you want your teen to cook for themselves, then start now by making it enjoyable.

Set the scene. Create ambiance. Play music, be lighthearted. Make it an attractive activity. You might be teaching them how to scramble eggs or roll out pie crust, but you’re also teaching them how to nurture and care for themselves and others. You’re providing a sweet moment for the two of you as well. Those are every bit as valuable as the lessons related to food.

But Should You Stop Cooking for Them?

Here’s where it gets tricky. Should you completely stop cooking for your teens? Nope, not at all. Parenting teens is all about balance, and this is no different.

Cooking is still one of the simplest, most nurturing things you can do as a parent. It’s one way you show love. So yes, there will be times when you still cook for them. Think of it as an act of care rather than something you’re obligated to do.



And remember - we are trying to show them that there are lots of paths to one peak, right? Figuring out what food to order, when to just eat cereal instead of a whole cooked meal…that’s all part of the task of feeding yourself. You can include your teenager in this process in a lot of ways short of just cutting them off and saying, “fend for yourself.” Include them in the process, it’s not an on-off switch that once they can cook pasta, you never cook for them again.

Set Some Expectations: It’s Time for Shared Responsibility…Kind of.

Lots of other parenting resources out there suggest that you split the responsibility. They say that you as the parent can cook sometimes, but your teen should be stepping up too. Maybe by starting small—having them cook one meal a week. Maybe they take over breakfast or lunch. I like this in practicality, but not in principle.

I don’t think it’s ultimately about just handing over the reins. I think that you’re fostering something deeper - independence, but also community. We break bread together, as humans. Eating and food have long been a part of what connects us. To pretend like it’s an entirely independent act takes some of the flavor out of it, I think.

So share the responsibility, but I bet you can do it in an organic way that doesn’t make them worry or feel pressure. I bet you can get them involved with brainstorming, with experimenting, with nurturing.

What About the "I Don’t Know How to Cook" Excuse?

If your teen immediately stresses out and says, “But I don’t know how to cook” then this is a great reminder for you as a parent that they are SCARED. They are worried that they don’t have what it takes to be an adult.

You can (nicely) remind them that there were times when they didn’t know a lot of things - like how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, or use the remote - but they learned. Remind them that we aren’t born knowing how to saute, fry, bake or barbecue. We weren’t born knowing how to speak or walk either. You created fun learning environments where your toddler felt safe taking their first wobbly steps, and that’s what you can do for your teenager when they feel wobbly too.

Are you comfortable cooking? You don’t need to be Gordon Ramsay to teach your teen the basics, and if you aren’t super skilled, there’s no reason you and your teen can’t learn together. There are so many cooking shows on YouTube and TikTok available to learn most things. The resources are endless. HAVE FUN.

Final Thoughts: Cooking Is About More Than Food

Cooking isn’t just about the food itself—it’s about independence, responsibility, and building confidence. So, the answer to “Should I cook for my teens or should they cook for themselves?” is: Yes? Both. Neither. Yes.

Cook for them when it makes sense and feels right, but make sure you’re giving them opportunities to learn.  They can either learn that feeding themselves is stressful and boring and to be avoided… or that feeding themselves can be nurturing, fun, interesting, and come in a lot of different methods.

Enjoy!