What to Do If You Think Your Teen Is Being Emotionally Manipulated by a Friend

 In this blog post, we'll explore signs of emotional manipulation, how to approach the situation, and steps you can take to support your teen. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a huge number of my teen clients struggle with knowing what to look for in a friendship that might mean they’re being manipulated or exploited by their so-called-friends.

Recognizing Signs of Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation can be subtle and challenging to identify.

One of the biggest red flags I look out for as a therapist is when my client feels like they are the "only ones" who can help their friend. If they feel solely responsible for their friend's well-being, if they feel like the friend will be alone if they don't answer the call, if they say (without any other substantive proof) that the friend's parents are awful or abusive and so they can't talk to them, or if that friend has no other support systems in their life -- then that's too much responsibility for your teenager.

In addition to that huge sign that there is an imbalance in the relationship, here are some common signs that your teen may be experiencing manipulation from a friend:

Common Signs that your Teen may be Manipulated by a Friend:

Guilt-Tripping: The friend frequently makes your teen feel guilty for not spending enough time with them or not doing things their way.

Isolation: The friend tries to isolate your teen from other friends or family members, making them feel like they must choose between relationships.

Blame Shifting: The friend rarely takes responsibility for their actions and blames your teen for any problems or misunderstandings.

Gaslighting: The friend distorts the truth or denies events, causing your teen to doubt their own memories and feelings.

Excessive Flattery or Criticism: The friend alternates between excessive praise and harsh criticism, keeping your teen off-balance and seeking their approval.

Conditional Support: The friend's support is conditional on your teen meeting certain expectations or demands, creating a sense of obligation.

How to Approach the Situation

If you suspect that your teen is being emotionally manipulated, it's important to approach the situation with care and sensitivity. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Observe and Gather Information

Before confronting your teen, observe their behavior and interactions with the friend. Look for patterns or changes in mood, behavior, and social interactions. Gathering information will help you understand the situation better and provide specific examples when discussing your concerns. This doesn't mean snoop, invade their privacy, or ask their friends. Be respectful, but watch and stay curious.

2. Create a Safe Space for Conversation

Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your teen about your observations. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. Start the conversation by expressing your concern for their well-being, and by stating an observation that does not have any of your own thoughts or feelings behind it. For example, just simply (lightly, succinctly) make an observation like, "I've noticed you seem like you are more stressed after you spend time with [friend's name] lately," or, "Seems like [friend's name] has been calling you after dinner a lot lately." If your teen is open to it, you can add your own feelings, but remember it's your feeling. Something like, "I noticed after you hang out with [friend's name] you seem to need a break from other people. I'm worried that you seem stressed out."

Pro tip: a great time for this conversation is on a car ride! Take them to get coffee or their favorite treat, or even just to do an errand. Sometimes conversations with your teens happen better when no one has to make eye contact and everyone knows there's a limited time frame. If the conversation is going well...then take the long way home without saying anything!

3. Listen Without Judgment

When your teen opens up, listen attentively and without interruption. Avoid criticizing the friend or dismissing your teen's feelings. Instead, ask open-ended questions that encourage them to reflect on the friendship and their emotions. This approach helps your teen feel heard and respected. Your teen is on their friend's side. You're on your teen's side, which means you need to be on the friend's side too - at least at the start. Dismissing or disparaging the friend will immediately put you on opposite teams1

4. Encourage Self AND Community Care

Encourage your teen to engage in self-care activities that promote mental and emotional well-being. This could include hobbies, exercise, journaling, or spending time with supportive friends and family. Self-care helps them maintain a positive mindset and regain their confidence. I hope this has been happening long before this particular friendship - as we need recreation and leisure time to be fulfilled and happy people. Support the things your teens are interested in!

Supporting their self-care hobbies also helps provide an important second piece which is: community care. Ideally your teen does not have all their social eggs in this one friendship basket. Help your teen participate in their communities so that they have many examples of friendships and many opportunities for connection. This will help combat the ability for the friend to manipulate them from the very beginning.

5. Be Patient and Respect Their Choices

Changing or ending a manipulative friendship can be challenging for teens, especially if they feel a strong attachment to the friend. Be patient and respect their decisions, even if they choose to maintain the friendship. Continue to offer guidance and support, helping them navigate the complexities of relationships. Remember - even if it takes years for them to realize what's happening, they are going to need you at the end of it. Your job is to keep the door between you and your teen open no matter what.

Discovering that your teen may be experiencing emotional manipulation from a friend can be a challenging experience for both of you.

By approaching the situation with empathy, patience, and support, you can help your teen recognize manipulation tactics and develop the skills to establish healthy boundaries. Encourage them to cultivate positive friendships and practice self-care, and consider seeking professional help if needed. Ultimately, your guidance and understanding can empower your teen to make informed choices and build healthier, more supportive relationships.