Dealing with Your Teen's Reluctance to Share Their Struggles or Seek Support

ONE: Remember that it's (probably) not about you.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - take a good, thorough moment to remind yourself first that your teen’s hesitancy to share their struggles might not have anything to do with you.

Even if it is a direct reaction to your parenting behavior, it’s important to start by taking your own feelings out of the equation and remembering what it is like to be a teen.

There could be lots of reasons for their guarded behavior.

Fear of judgment:

Do you remember how stressed out you used to be over how someone else viewed you? I remember spending an hour agonizing over wearing the wrong pair of shoes to a concert where we were packed so tightly that no one could even see any feet! Teens may be worried about being judged or criticized by their parents or peers. Being a teen means feeling things keenly. There’s a good chance they are protecting themselves from any further criticism.

Desire for independence:

Cut your teen a little slack for this one - it is sort of their developmental job to try to become more independent. Even the most connected teenager can feel like they are supposed to figure things out on their own instead of relying on their mom or dad. Teens are trying to assert their autonomy, but don’t always have the perspective or wisdom to know when and when not to share important information, thoughts, or feelings.

Embarrassment:

Have you ever been pressured to share how you’re feeling…and you really just don’t want to admit what’s going on in your head? If your teenager is feeling shame or embarrassment about their feelings, how they acted, or about a situation they’ve gotten tangled up in, they might want to keep that quiet.

Lack of trust:

If there has been a breach of trust between you in the past, your teen might be extra wary of opening up to you again. They might also be worried about sharing someone else’s information - maybe a friend asked them not to say anything and they feel like it’s not their story to share. Their friend doesn’t necessarily trust you, and so they stay quiet as well.

Articulation is exertion:

Sometimes the work between experiencing a feeling and being able to verbally explain that feeling is just too much.

Maybe your teen really doesn’t know how to answer, “is everything okay?” because they don’t have the words or understanding yet. It’s not simple and they don’t have the language for it yet.

Parents, take a few minutes and remember that all this and more could be running through your teenager’s head at any given moment that they seem uncommunicative. Try to approach the next few moments with empathy and patience. Remember - the big picture here is that your relationship with your teenager improves. That’s the forest. This individual piece of information or answer to your question is the tree. Keep looking at the big picture!

TWO: Create a safe and non-judgmental environment

I’ll be honest - I know I am supposed to be really touchy-feely as a therapist, but most of the time when someone talks about creating a “safe space” it makes me want to roll my eyes. I think we overuse the word “safe” when what we really mean is “comfortable.” But in this case - I want you to imagine that your words feel like very real threats to your teenager’s well-being. An extra pause, a sigh, language that is not 100% on their team can all be interpreted as criticism or judgment. 

Even if you have the world’s best, most perfect, problem-solving advice that anyone has ever had - do not give it to them during this phase of the conversation. Just listen. Just listen!

Any possible lesson you could impart unto them can wait for 10 minutes. Just. Listen.

Remember that your number one job right now is to show them that they were right to open up to you, and you are their biggest supporter.

Start with empathetic, understanding phrases like, “It’s completely okay for you to feel like that,” and, “I completely understand how you’re feeling.”

Raise your hand if your teenager only ever wants to open up and talk…when it’s past midnight and you’re exhausted. Sound familiar? Yeah…it’s a thing. And you’re going to need to roll with it. When your teenager is ready to open up, take advantage of that window - even if it means being a little tired the next day or needing to reschedule that early morning appointment.  Show your teen that you are available to be there for them.

That doesn’t mean it always needs to be deep and serious either - in fact, a tiny little bit of that goes a really long way! Instead - do as many lighthearted activities with your teens as possible.

Play a lot of video games with them! A LOT. MORE THAN THAT. Send them YouTube videos that made you think of them, and maybe they’ll send you some in return. Cook with them if they like that sort of thing. Offer to take them to get Starbucks. Provide the opportunities for the conversations, but don’t put pressure on those moments to be anything except a few minutes of light quality time.

FOUR: Avoid pressuring them

This ties in to what I’ve said above - you need like 50 lighthearted interactions for every single deep or poignant one. I know you want your teenager to use the opportunities provided to open up and share what’s going on with them, but any perceived pressure from you might make them feel uncomfortable and resistant. They know you’re there for them. And sometimes, that’s enough.

Pro tip: If you have a teen who physically withdraws to their room a lot, do not make a big deal with they emerge. Calling attention to that is needlessly embarrassing and self-defeating if you want more time with them! Just be matter of fact and warm, and include them!

FIVE: Model open communication

If you share your experiences, feelings, and how you thought or reasoned your way through difficult feelings, you can encourage your teenager to do the same.

Sharing your emotions helps others around you realize that it’s okay to match that and share their own.

Even better - find opportunities to talk about total strangers or fictional character feelings and drama!

When I was young, my mom and I would listen to talk radio as we drove, and some of the best conversations I had about how humans work and about relationships were based on analyzing the strangers that phoned in to the show.

Discussing parasocial relationships from social media can give you so much insight into how your teenager feels, and give a lot of opportunities for it to lead to them sharing with you.

SIX: Encourage other trusted adults

Sometimes, teens may feel more comfortable talking to someone other than their parents. Encourage this, my fine-feathered-friends. I know it can be hard sometimes to think that you can’t be everything you want to be for your teen. But I can’t tell you the number of clients I’ve had who absolutely adore their parents, but are aware that their parents hurt when they hurt.

They don’t want to hurt you even more.

Encourage your teenagers to seek support from trusted adults like coaches or therapists. Having a supportive network will be a gift that keeps on giving.

SEVEN: Respect their privacy

I wish this was a given. You have to respect their privacy in order to build trust. You need trust for open communication. You need open communication for a good relationship with your teen. Your teen needs a good relationship with you for safety and success.

Avoid prying into their personal space, avoid demanding details of their private life, avoid seeking answers from their friends or other avenues. If they choose to share something with you, honor their privacy and remember that trust is a gift. Don’t discuss what they’ve shared with you with others without getting their consent first.

EIGHT: Provide resources and support

We all learn differently, and we all process things in our own way. Remember that verbally discussing feelings is only one way. Give your teens the resources to process their feelings in lots of different ways. Give them journals, art supplies, access to music. Drive them to practices and workshops where they get to be with friends and mentors.

Help get them a therapist they vibe with *before* there’s a crisis, so they already are used to discussing their feelings with someone. 

NINE: Play the long game

Be patient. Building trust and encouraging communication, especially with someone who feels vulnerable, takes time.

Your support needs to be a gift, not a transactional item. Your teen doesn’t need to earn your support with minutes of speaking with you.

It’s your job as the adult to keep the lines of communication open, have an easy route to access you, and be there whenever they need to talk. 

When they do share something, even if it feels kind of trivial, recognize those moments as the gift from your teenager that they are. Collect them like beads on a bracelet.

Gather those moments sweetly and remember that helping your teenager communicate their struggles is an ongoing process that requires patience, empathy, understanding, and persistence.